Saturday, February 9, 2008

Patanjali-Shmamjali...and yet!!

Can I feel the subtleties of this world....?
I think so.
I know that I am swinging.
From tree to tree only because I can't
commit to just one.
From prakrti to self
my "I"
The mountain in me, the warrior...
The sky that is me
the clouds my personality.
Man, son, uncle, partner
My pride in these roles
But under under...soul!

by Steven Ferrell

Sometimes it all depends on how much energy and time and patience we have in ourselves. Some folks just don't care. This is when we have our mid life crises'. Our Corvettes and young girlfriends or our young stud boy toy. Our nervous break downs. The reason for this is..."Who am I?"
The man of older age wants so much to retain that physicality and freedom of older adolescence. The woman is eager to retain youth and knowing that she can still reel them in.

If you put time into knowing who you are or at least thinking about it from time to time something will come of it...Study yourself...You are the most interesting subject. You are the most amazing experiment.

"Who am I?"
It's a viable q
uestion. There is no need to be embarassed by wanting to know yourself...In all your bold and sometimes bloody truth.

Yesterday I chanted!! But it was different. I've said before that I love chanting...There's just something about it (possibly to do with musical interest...I haven't studied long enough). This time I had a plan for this chanting session. I was at work at the Personal Training studio. I got 54 coins (some pennies and some dimes) from the front desk and put them in a white cup (used for holding paperclips or maybe an earring that someone had lost). My goal was to chant "OM" 54 times. No biggie. I've done it before. Today I would do it in a public place. This was my challenge.

In Ashtanga you really sometimes put it all on the line. Some of the poses take some courage and a lot of patience. I wanted to put my spirit to the test. Could I whole heartedly, with conviction and honesty, chant my praises for this universe aloud?

I began my practice that day by going through full primary series which always gives me a beautiful feeling inside. It's comparable to when you look at someone that you love.. but they don't know that you're looking at them and it just makes you smile! I finished Headstand and Badha Padmasana and took a comfortable seated position. I placed my hands in Jnana mudra on my knees. I began to chant.

There were not a lot of people in the studio at the time... really just me in one room and Karen working at the front desk. It felt good. At first my heart was very audible to me...I could feel the slight nervousness in my finger tips. I soon settled in , finding a consistent tone. Then..............I heard the door of the studio open (it makes that electronic chiming sound) My thoughts were instantly swayed and I suddenly turned down the volume on my chants. I kept chanting a little more quietly.

Then it happened...I came to terms with the situation..."They can already hear me." They know that I'm here." They know what I'm doing (maybe)." "Just fucking do it!!!" So I did. I pumped up the damn volume on my stereo. And with booming sound in a hollow room ..... "AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUMMMMMMMMMM" It was glorious. I remember a time in my teacher training when we all chanted OM together for 10 minutes...everyone chanting in their own distinct way and in no particular rhythm. It felt powerful. This felt the same way, but instead of having the support of like minds around me it was just my mind. It was my inner power and my inner support.

Admittedly my confidence was swaggered a few more times. And when my ego and my head got in the way, a voice would shout "Just fucking do it!!!" pardon le francais... like an R rated Nike commercial.

But I did it... It feels good. Somethings take courage. Sometimes we have to wait until things and scenarios are in the opposite spectrum of where we want them to be. Sometimes the feelings have to be so absolutely unbearable before we take action.

I knew I had to do this...I knew this had to happen!!

Funny thing was that when I told Adele I chanted at work...she instantly knew why. She knows me so well!!


1 comment:

Adele said...

Steve, your commitment to building your confidence seriously brought tears to my eyes. Every day there are roadblock we make for ourselves, and you just broke one down with ferocity. Teach me!